Staying honest...

Actually I don't really want to talk about it anymore. But as i promised honesty here we go:
Recently i had the chance to peek into my mothers shoe rack and i had to realise, she owns exactly those kind of shoes i am aroused by. I am sure this is not because i already saw them on her beforehand, its more that during my collecting i discover the footwear of my interest. And i am surprised to find those now are owned by my mother.
Disturbing discovery, not?

I already testified about the oedipal origin of my hanging fetish. But nevertheless it is impossible for me to imagine any real engagement with my mother, with the very person she is. She might be the origin, but who i am attracted to are mature women in general, those who could be my mother. I am looking for women, who are in charge, who have power over me.
That's the idea!

Cool strangling Video on YouTube

Persistent incertitude....

Tonight i successfully strangled myself autoerotically.

I havent been really active recently. As i had little alternatives. But I didnt miss it too much, anyway. I let dally away several occasions. And it was ok, it wasnt like something was lacking.

Nevertheless i kept up good old habits. But the thing is, collecting just doesnt get me into the mood anymore. And i just realise now how essential that is, to act it out, i really need the pictures!

But all the lurking aroung photosites (flickr, deviantart, modelmayhem) or online fashion catalogues (next, nordstriom, albamoda) nearly doesnt get me anywhere, this inner certainty about the necessity to be done by a mature female, i touched it again today, but it is fading, it looses its structure and all the pictures melt down to be no more than those of erveryday women, not executrices, and thats right what they are respectively are not.
The key of understanding the importance of collecting, is that the women all are untouchable. This is weaker on the screen than the direct perception of respective women eg. in the street, but the virtuality of the pics reinstates some of the untouchability, and if they have this i-am-looking-down-on-you-look or - even better - wear the right shoes, it's like it should be.
As said this is fading, and with it of course my actually living it out on myself.

I still recur to it in my phantasies, but this too is loosing power. I am gradually putting off my strange masturbational sex live, replacing it with plain regular sex live. Thus getting normal somehow, really being surprise by such a turn. Even my ballerina-fetish detaches from the death-fetish.
I am not sure about all that. But i like it. It feels alright somehow.
But I am still not sure...