Path of honesty

Another topic i have been suppressing... lately.
The role of the drug.
All the time it has been something for me to directly access my dark desires. Which are with me all the time. But which are covered in some way, i do not really understand.
But recently, the drug doesnt open anything anymore. The soft haze doesnt convey any special atmosphere anymore.
And now i think, probably it's that the drug can no longer keep open the gate which probably would have been closed already.
So how proceeding.
Cleaning up.
And walking along.
Will it be this way...?

Recent developments, continued...

I have been mobbed recently by female collegues.
"Who wonders?" one might think by onesself reading this and heaving in mind past stuff. And that might be actually right. It's probably that I am especially sensible for such gradients of power. Probably manoeuver into it just by myself.
But it's not what i want to talk about (nonetheless probably should do later on)...

The experience of being degraded by women, getting to feel their collective feminine power, just re-triggered my recently lost sexual desire for terminal submisson. To be erotically asphyxiated, practically meaning: auto-erotically asphyxiated, to write it down!

Moreover what I have already confessed so far, keeps on working inside me, changing me somehow. I only dont know yet into which direction.
Nevertheless what i wrote down in that regard isn't something i wasn't aware of already. I knew quite well about it, probably all my concious life long. But i kept it to myself.
But that writing it out into the anonymous internet actually mattered to me is quite a surprise.

By the way...
It's anniversery time just once more.
Hope you enjoyed it so far. To those who commented, wrote emails or i had the fun to chat with: Thank You for your fair words.

Recent developments

Since I started to tell the full truth, the urge to get asphyxiated has totally flattened. I still did it the last weekend, but it was like I had to convince myself first to actually do it.
So is this the consequence of confessing?
Only that this has not been my original intention.
And for the time I doubt this will last longer than some days...
Normally when I put up the right setting, things are coming by themselves, without me really wanting it, but rather plainly following. But the normally felt evidence of the necessity to be punished has faded. Even the collecting doesn't stimulate anymore. Less than that, it has become rather boring.
Probably it's been only because I was very active recently, took my chance, as long as it is offered to me. And now it just has become too much?
Time will tell...

Anyhow will I continue to follow the path of honesty...