Montag, April 28, 2008

Try honesty!

To resume it: I feel inferior and I am delivered by my sexuality. That's why I have to strangle to death in the noose. But this still isn't the whole truth! I am still trying to go on in hiding what has to be revealed. It's that I still fear your contempt. But I won't neglect your right to know who you are dealing with any further:
So how did I get it? When has my sentence been passed?
I do quite well know how. And I therefore should better express it.

Of course all of this is to find in the development of my personality. And it starts at the very beginning of every born individual. In my case, there was the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck.
And all my later life was not essentially different from its start. The umbilical cord remains wrapped around my neck tight, only that it's of emotional fabric now. I am attached by my mother's appendix to the world of her thinking, I have been nurtured with it and I still feed from it, I am a bubble floating inside her mind.

My mother is a woman, who always put her personal wishes and feelings after the necessities of real life. A life which is hard and without relief. And leisure always being the first step to demise.
In that sense she raised me. And she had quite an effort with me!
As i was a bad boy! I did things wrong all the time, I broke things along with her feelings. That's why she had to punish me as a matter of routine.

But there was more than just that!
I was a very egoistic child! And always tried to impose my will on her, even by using arguments to trick her into something different than her original intention. But she knew quite well there was no need for her to resort to such measures like arguing. There was a quite more effective way to prove me wrong:
She unveiled my dependence on her. She let me feel just how much I was at the mercy of her will, let me, exempt from her provision, struggle a bit, let me fail, all along with my point of view. And she probably wouldn't deny having received some joy from the scene: me creeping back to her, apologizing and submitting myself to her superior will, pleading “Please mother, excuse me for having been bad. I will never do it again!”, as soon as she wished to hear such a statement from my mouth.
Of course I had to repeat that very often!

Moreover, I permanently failed to acknowledge how much I occupied her. My weak efforts to disburden her only kept her even more busy, because I just never did it right. How much easier would it have been for her to just abandon me, to leave me behind, to my fate, or even fulfilling it by herself, terminating my pitying existence. But out of her inexhaustible generosity she kept on nourishing me. Despite the fact that I didn't deserve anything from her.
But it doesn't even end at that point!

Not only that I have been a miserable child and still am. I also threatened to become just like my father, and be rude and abusive towards woman. My father had detached mentally from his family and all related duties early. And she would never allow me to become like he is.
So she eagerly worked on suppressing any expression of manhood, taught me to see it as something disgraceful, something I had to avoid actively by myself and submit to females' categories.
Naturally I only failed once more, since I am male in the end.

And I could quite well feel my mothers silent disappointment with me, over my failed existence. That she would have been right in terminating my pitiful life for good. That this was in her responsibility, as the one who gave birth to me, putting me to death again as well. Even I accepted my fate, waited for the day, when she might finally come for me, placing me under a solid beam and stringing me up from it. Relieving me from my life in her unmeasurable generosity.
As much as she wanted it to be this way, and furthermore, as my mother, had any natural right to do so, this is still a patriarchal world we live in, and male controlled courts deny maternal law... She couldn't but let go on my miserable existence.

And here I am and moan: “Oh mother! Why didn't you string me up when there still was a time and place to carry it out? Why did you hesitate? Don't you really love me, still not having hanged me? Why did you let me wander this unwelcoming earth instead of relieving me from the pain of living?”

Donnerstag, April 17, 2008

A Confession

I wrote on earlier occasions about how I am doing it. But i have been omitting to express why i am doing it.
That is why before being forced to go off from the grip of the tight noose i am going to write down the following confession:

It is that I am an inferior being and my life is of no particular quality or worth. That's why I am constantly avoiding getting near people, to not interfere with their procurements. And that's why I willingly submit to their will in case there is no way sparing them from busying themselves with my presence.
And that's how I could lead a devoted and humble life.
If I only wasn't male.

Since I am, I am haunted by sexual arousal when seeing beautiful women. As much as this is a desirable quality of real men, one suggested to be expressed openly, it is just as much inappropriate for a repulsive creature like the one I actually am.
Naturally the sexual urge is much more powerful as my weak personality, trying to keep the former down.
This is how I am loading up guilt on me. Because I cannot avoid the sexual tone of my stare, even when it is caught caught by the female's look.

But I want to be a good boy! Not that slithery wretch stalking the paths left behind from women annoyed with his proximity.
To pure myself from those bad desires, they are to be distorted in a way so that in the end they reflect content and ideas towards women that are suitable for creatures like me.

Evidently such images may never be those of penetration! Or sexual intercourse of any kind!
It has to be a exemplary way a woman might engage herself in me!
It cannot be other than that of correction!

So which correctional means are applicable in such a case?
First it has to comply to the intention of the measure. And that is of course ultimately ending any further obstruction.
As my offence originates in my sex, in me being male, there is no way in addressing my reason. A purely physical disposition can only be treated by physical means. Swift, there is no other way than physically extinction of my manhood, and that means, terminating my existence.
Moreover it is preferable for a such correctional measure to be carried out in a way that reveals its background, the reason it is applied for. (A fact earlier times jurisdiction was still aware of.)
And what other means of execution would be more suitable under above described circumstances than hanging by the neck? The helpless struggling from the end of a noose displaying at once the physical origin, as well as the reason (that is immeasurable superiority of the desired female over the inferior male).
The commonly observed death erection additionally underlining the sexual nature of the offence.

It has become time now to finally act...

Dienstag, April 01, 2008

Struck by view....

One of my older pics....